So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
