I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
