My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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