Where did you get a picture of my penis
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
