Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
