I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
