I think im going to throw up on grandma
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm passing your future prison.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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