i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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