a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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