my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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