I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
