You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
