Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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