you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize