there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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