porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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