I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
