I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
