I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
