who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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