Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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