I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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