I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
