it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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