All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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