if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
