I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
