I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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