How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
