Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
