so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
