so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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