Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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