mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
