Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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