what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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