Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
