there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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