hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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