Redeem this text for a blowjob
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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