I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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