I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize