I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
