As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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