He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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