I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
that is very illegal...i love you.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
