goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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