I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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