I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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