Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
