Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
