AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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