i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
