yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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