You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
