Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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