Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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