this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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