I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The struggles of a small town man whore
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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