Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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