Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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