Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
