guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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